Joker
by Moonlite Knight
Summary: In which there are siblings, blackmail, and punching. Sometimes it’s best not to think too much, but in this case, thinking was one thing Holly should definitely have done.


**_Points to note: Beware of some OOCness and major silliness. This was written entirely for fun. Don't kill the authoress, she warned you. And she was bored. Universal excuse for everything. _**

_Disclaimer: Artemis Fowl and anything you recognize are not on the list of things that I own. Actually, I don't have a list of things that I own, but if I did, they, unfortunately, would not be on it. You know what, I might be wrong. Let me go check and I'll get back to you on this. _

**Joker**

_It's a sad day,_ Artemis Fowl thought, watching his little brothers roll around on his bedroom floor, giggling helplessly. _When a genius is blackmailed by his own kinsfolk._

"Say it again!" squealed one twin, Beckett if he wasn't mistaken.

The little boy was dressed in a blue suit with a long red cape. He was meant to be some sort of superhero; Artemis really did not see what was so heroic about showing the world your red undergarments.

"Say it Artemis," Myles ordered with a miniature version of Artemis's own smirk on his lips.

He had chosen a more conventional costume than his twin. Well, sort of. The young boy had chosen to dress up as Professor Primate's evil twin, complete with a monkey tail and stained lab coat. He didn't look a thing like the stuffed primate clutched under one arm, but the boy was so clearly proud of the costume that no one had the heart to tell him.

Except, for Artemis of course. Do not assume that he had suddenly developed a sense of tact and compassion for others once be became a big brother. If he didn't like something, he said so. If something, such as a costume for some idiotic birthday party, was demented, then he said so. Or he would have, if it weren't for one crucial detail that he had never considered six months prior. One simple fact that he had been so blissfully unaware of for all the years he had spent as an only child.

"Do it, or we'll tell Mommy you're a meanie," Myles said crossing his arms as his twin stuck out his lower lip, looking ready to burst into tears.

Little siblings were evil.

Artemis sighed as he repeated the phrase written on the scrap of paper he was holding. As his little brothers burst into giggles again, he briefly wondered whether Butler had ever had trouble like this with Juliet. Had she ever blackmailed the huge bodyguard into wearing a juvenile and demeaning costume and recite an annoying quote? Somehow he doubted it.

His little brothers were evil. _Evil_. Not the I'm-a-genius-and-I-don't-care-about-any-being-whose-IQ-is-lower-than-mine evil that he had once been, but a more we-don't-like-having-a-big-brother-and-we-will-make-his-life-horrible-for-being-born-earlier-than-us evil.

"Arty is so funny!" Beckett squealed, jumping on his elder brother's previously impeccably made bed.

_Not by choice,_ Artemis thought, wishing that he could use his infamous glare on them. But he knew just as clearly as the miniature smirking mad scientist standing at the foot of the bed that he could not even dare to do so.

The first and only time he had glared at his brothers, the two had burst into very noisy tears, causing their mother to come running into the room, frantic. The twins had told her what had happened, somehow managing to tell the entire truth while making him out to be the villain.

If he hadn't been the victim, Artemis would have been impressed by his sibling's skills. His mother had fallen for the tale, hook, line, and sinker, and had given him a very disappointed look. That was all she had done, and unfortunately, it had been more than enough. The look had ruthlessly stabbed away at Artemis's annoying newfound conscience, ripping it to pieces to the point where he wanted sweep the twins into a huge hug and declare to his mother that they were the best of friends. He hadn't done so, of course.

Still, the mere thought of committing such an act had simultaneously mortified and terrified the genius, though he would never admit it. In order to never feel that humiliated and guilty again, Artemis realized that he would have to take extra care to never obviously go against his brothers.

But that didn't mean he was going to obey their every whim, no way. It just meant that he got to practice his manipulation skills on children. Unfortunately for him, he did not much prior experience with handling kids. More often than not, his stubble manipulations had less than desired effects.

Like dressing up as a demented clown and repeating two words, all for the amusement of his brothers.

"Again!" Myles ordered, before turning to his bouncing twin. "Stop jumping, simple-toon. You can't fly."

"Can too!" Beckett declared, jumping even higher. "I'm Superman!"

_Oh, so that's who he has been mimicking, _Artemis thought, looking at his brothers with a critical eye. Interesting how he and Myles were dressed as villains while Beckett was a super hero. Especially when you brought their personalities into the equation…

"Up, up, and away!" Beckett exclaimed, jumping off the bed and tumbling onto the floor.

Artemis barely suppressed a wince as the Persian rug was rumpled by the boy's less than graceful landing.

"Superman doesn't say that." Myles said, frowning.

"Yes he does," Beckett insisted, flipping the cape off his head. "I'm Superman and I say it, so he says it!"

Artemis couldn't suppress his eye roll this time. What simple logic.

Apparently Myles thought so too. "Simple-toon." He declared crossing his arms.

"Am not." Beckett protested trying to untangle his legs from his cape as he stood up.

"No, you're Superman." Artemis said, his sarcasm only faintly apparent.

"Yup!" Beckett agreed, beaming.

Myles gave his elder brother a suspicious look, but before he say anything Butler walked in. And froze when he caught sight of Artemis.

"Artemis?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yes?" Artemis replied, his face and voice stubbornly emotionless.

"..." Butler shifted his gaze from the young genius to the innocent twin and back again before sighing and shaking his head. "I don't want to know."

Ignoring the look of annoyance that Artemis sent his way, the bodyguard turned towards his youngest charges. "Come on you two. Your mother wants to get to the party before they serve the cake."

And with that, the two lost all interest in their big brother.

"Cake!" Beckett shouted happily as Myles rubbed his hands together, a wide scheming grin on his face.

"Come on." Butler said, ushering the two out the door, away from a much relived big brother.

Artemis sighed in relief as his brother's disappeared into the hallway. _Finally…._

"Oh, and Artemis?" Butler said, pausing at the door and turned back towards the young genius. He grinned when the boy looked up. "Red doesn't suit you."

He closed the door before Artemis could do more than glare at him. Artemis continued to glare at the closed door for a moment, feeling very much irritated at how his oldest friend had found humor at his predicament. It was not funny. No, it was not.

He shifted his glare from the shut door and onto his dresser. Letting the paper, that he had been clutching fall carelessly to the ground, he walked forward to grab a tissue. He could get his just deserts later; right now he had to get out of that ridiculous outfit before anyone saw…

"Hi, Artemis."

Artemis didn't bother to turn around. He simply let out a sentence of very vile terms.

Holly, who has just entered the room through the window, raised an eyebrow, mildly impressed. She hadn't even known that Artemis knew half of the words that fell from his lips. He must have picked them up from Butler, or, more likely, Juliet.

"Really Artemis," she said, settling onto Artemis's 'spin-y chair' by his desk. At least, that was what she had dubbed the revolving chair in her mind; she wasn't sure what Mudpeople called it, and sure was not going to ask Artemis. "Don't you have little brothers now? What sort of things are you teaching them?"

Artemis scowled, but kept his front firmly turned away from Holly. "Why are you here, Holly?"

Since Artemis was facing away from her, for some strange reason only he knew, Holly spun herself around in the chair once before answering. "What, did you forget? You said you'd completed analyzing that sample I sent you last week. I'm here to pick up the results."

Artemis groaned mentally. Why did it have to be today? "It is in the top drawer of my desk."

Holly spun herself around once more before facing the neatly organized desk. She pulled on the top drawer, frowning when it didn't open. She yanked again, and still the drawer refused to budge. "It's stuck."

Artemis frowned, crossing his arms. "No it's not." He insisted.

Holly yanked again, hard enough to rattle the entire desk. "Yes it is."

"No it isn't, you simply are not pulling hard enough."

Holly growled under her breath and yanked the desk had enough to move it forward a few inches. "I am yanking had enough to throw the desk out the window. Your desk is stuck, Mudboy. Get over yourself and help me open it."

Artemis glared at his dresser but didn't turn around. His desk was _not_ stuck. Holly was simply not pulling hard enough. There was no way he was turning around, especially while dressing like this.

Holly glared at the Mudboy's back before turning towards the irritating desk. Stupid mudman contraption. She gripped the handle and yanked on last time with all her might. The drawer shot right out, and kept going. Holly only just managed to stay seated on her chair, but the drawer hit the ground with a fairly loud _bam!_

Artemis spun around at the sound, in time to see a few loose papers float gently to the ground. The genius and the fairy stared silently at the mess on the ground.

"Well," Holly started, breaking the silence. "At least it's not stuck anymore."

Artemis closed his eyes as he rubbed his temples in a futile attempt to ease the upcoming headache. "It wasn't stuck in the first place Holly."

Holly frowned and spun around on the 'spiny' chair face the boy. "Yes it was—Artemis what are you wearing?"

His eyes snapped open to Holly's surprised expression. D'avrit. D'avrit, d'avrit, d'avrit.

"Artemis?" Holly asked again, standing up so that she could have a clearer view of the mortified genius's face. "Are you wearing makeup? I thought only Mudwomen wore that."

Artemis glared at her, glad that the white paste on his face hid his blush. "It's _not_ makeup. It's paint."

"It looks like makeup to me." Holly said, raising her eyebrows. "And it doesn't suit you at all. Too much lipstick, and red is definitely not you're color."

Artemis's glare darkened. "It is not lipstick."

Holly's lip twitched. "Well, why are you even wearing the 'not makeup?'"

Artemis clenched his teeth, hoping dearly that the cake his little brothers wanted met with some sort of unfortunate accident. "I am…disguising myself as a villain from a blockbuster movie."

"I, I see." Holly said in a voice that clearly meant that she did not. "Why?"

There was no way that he was going to admit that his brother had blackmailed him into it. No way.

"Did your brothers blackmail you into it?"

Artemis blinked at her in surprise. Holly grinned. "You're not the only one with siblings, Mud Boy." She teased. "Trouble's always going on about all the trouble his little brother lands him in."

_But I'm sure his brother never made him dress up as a psychotic jester. _Artemis thought, glaring at the amused fairy. _And I'm sure he did not have you to make the situation worse._

Holly was not going to simply let him go and change. The growing grin on her face was testament enough of that. The fairy was going to milk the situation for all it was worth before leaving. But at least he could wipe off the makeup—er face paint.

He began to turn back towards his dresser to grab a new tissue. His foot brushed the piece of paper that the twins had had his read from. The last thing he needed was for Holly to learn of that. He attempted to discreetly kick it under the bed. He wasn't discreet enough.

"What's this?" Holly asked reaching for the paper only to have it snatched by an annoyed Mudboy.

"Nothing of any importance." Artemis said, crumpling up the paper.

Holly didn't believe him. Then again, who would? It was obvious that whatever was written on the paper was either very embarrassing or very important. And based on his reaction, she was betting on the former.

"It's nothing, Holly." Artemis insisted seeing her disbelieving look. He turned towards the fallen desk. The sooner she got what she'd come for, the sooner she'd leave him to die of embarrassment in peace. "The results should be—"

"Then read it" Holly interrupted, smirking. "If it's not that big a deal, then that should be no problem."

Artemis glared at her. "No. I—"

"Read it."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes."

_D'arvit!_

Artemis smacked his forehead as Holly grinned triumphantly. He couldn't believe that he just fallen for the oldest trick in the book. _How _could he fall for the oldest trick in the book? He was spending too much time in the company of his brothers. That was the only explanation. Their juvenile mannerisms were rubbing off on him.

"Read it, Artemis" Holly goaded, her grin impish. "You said you would. Or are you too _scared?_"

Artemis glared at her while he considered his few options. He could either walk away now and endear Holly's teasing for the rest of his life, or just read the idiotic line and endear her teasing and the humiliation for several months. He needed more options.

Artemis sighed, and finally gave in. He unwrinkled the note, so that Holly could not claim that he was not reading from it and the two words printed on it out loud. "Hit me."

Holly hit him, right in the jaw. The Mudboy went down.

"D'arvit! Artemis, I'm so sorry! It was just reflex, I didn't mean it! I—Artemis? Artemis, wake up!"

**THE END**

**_Told you it was silly. In case you couldn't tell, Artemis was dressed as the Joker. Haha, Artemis, a demented clown. I fail so much. XP_**

**_Inspired by the scene in Arctic Incident when Holly punches Artemis and from when the Joker in Dark Knight says "Hit me." Loved both those scenes to death ^^ Okay, I'll admit it, I just wanted to write about Holly punching Arty again What, like you didn't find that scene hilariously awesome as well? _**

**_Please tell me what you think, if you don't like, please be polite when you say so. Thanks!_**


End file.
